I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
