dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
