Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
