hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
