i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
