When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
