capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like death gave me a hand job
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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