He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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