every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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