Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
