After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
