Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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