Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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