apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
