Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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