1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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