Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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