What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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