Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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