everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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