what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
