maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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