My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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