Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
