I cannot find my penis.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
