my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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