I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In other news, I just burned my penis
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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