Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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