How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
