Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
