We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
