peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
