Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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