Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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