my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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