Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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