im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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