fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
