Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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