Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
