I wish my penis had an off switch
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
