I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
