I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
