**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
