Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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