so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
