Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
