Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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