She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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