Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
