Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
