If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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